Today was gloomy. It rained and even snowed for a bit. I was busy working and hadn't even noticed until I saw how wet it was outside. I decided that this is my saving grace. When I am busy serving others I am too busy to focus on the gloom around me.
The sun is always shining, it's just above the clouds.
I can't stand myself when I wallow in my own pity party for too long. Time to bask in the sunlight!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Bittersweet
Digging open a scar that hasn't healed right, to clean out grit that was left behind, can be so painful.
Loving someone who changes their mind, and leaves, puts such a hole in your heart!
I lack the gene that makes it possible to hate someone. Even if he broke my heart. Seeing him brings all of that love back. I had such hopes for us. For me it was "forever".
We didn't build the foundation to hold us up in the storms, so in the rain we washed away.
Maybe the scar will heal better now.
Loving someone who changes their mind, and leaves, puts such a hole in your heart!
I lack the gene that makes it possible to hate someone. Even if he broke my heart. Seeing him brings all of that love back. I had such hopes for us. For me it was "forever".
We didn't build the foundation to hold us up in the storms, so in the rain we washed away.
Maybe the scar will heal better now.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day one of my Blog...
Have you ever felt so alone that your soul ached? Not for lack of friends, and not for lack of having been blessed in my life, but I feel that alone today.
As I had pointed out to me by a gentleman, just yesterday, I am middle-aged, I have been married more than once, I have raised a family... and I am alone. This was his reason as to why it is okay to enjoy physical intimacy without the benefits of marriage. My values of being married first are antiquated in his opinion, and only apply to young couples these days.
I simply don't see the need to sell myself short.
If I'm not sure enough of a relationship to be married to someone, well, then I'm not sure enough of the relationship to be intimate.
I guess that makes me somewhat of an oddity in this day and age.
I don't know that all of the decisions I've made in my life were the rights ones. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've made some completely wrong ones.
I've hurt people I had no desire to hurt. People I love with all of my heart. I just haven't learned how to let them love me.
Imperfect people love imperfectly. Heavens knows that I am imperfect!
Letting someone in on my feelings and my inner most heartaches hasn't been that easy. Trust has been nearly impossible.
Figuring out my feelings hasn't been that easy either! I just have intense emotions and then it takes me a while to put words to it. Some people do not appreciate that.
Put in a situation where someone wants an answer and they want it NOW, I completely freeze!
Spending my life in emotional cryogenics is not really conducive to a happy relationship with anyone.
In my efforts to share myself with others I have run the gamut from, overwhelming someone with every thought I'm having, to being unable to share anything. All I know is which ever way I went it was the wrong one, with the person I was with. Or so they said.
As I had pointed out to me by a gentleman, just yesterday, I am middle-aged, I have been married more than once, I have raised a family... and I am alone. This was his reason as to why it is okay to enjoy physical intimacy without the benefits of marriage. My values of being married first are antiquated in his opinion, and only apply to young couples these days.
I simply don't see the need to sell myself short.
If I'm not sure enough of a relationship to be married to someone, well, then I'm not sure enough of the relationship to be intimate.
I guess that makes me somewhat of an oddity in this day and age.
I don't know that all of the decisions I've made in my life were the rights ones. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've made some completely wrong ones.
I've hurt people I had no desire to hurt. People I love with all of my heart. I just haven't learned how to let them love me.
Imperfect people love imperfectly. Heavens knows that I am imperfect!
Letting someone in on my feelings and my inner most heartaches hasn't been that easy. Trust has been nearly impossible.
Figuring out my feelings hasn't been that easy either! I just have intense emotions and then it takes me a while to put words to it. Some people do not appreciate that.
Put in a situation where someone wants an answer and they want it NOW, I completely freeze!
Spending my life in emotional cryogenics is not really conducive to a happy relationship with anyone.
In my efforts to share myself with others I have run the gamut from, overwhelming someone with every thought I'm having, to being unable to share anything. All I know is which ever way I went it was the wrong one, with the person I was with. Or so they said.
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